Why “fitting in” might be taking you exactly where you don’t belong

Ever found yourself trying to fit into a group you kinda liked or hoping to belong? Or maybe you were the one someone tried to join… and it just felt off? Maybe you’ve sat with your group of colleagues, friends, classmates, and still felt like an alien?

It happened to me as well, a dozen of times at least.

And it makes sense. We’re wired to want to belong. Back in the day, being outside the group meant danger. Now it just means…feeling weird at networking events or drained after dinner with people you thought you liked. But here’s a question I keep coming back to: Does this group actually feel like my people? They might be fun, cool, successful, but do I leave feeling more like myself? Or less? What is the aftertaste? Energizing? Inspiring? Feeling seen?

My 2 check-in questions at every event I attend and when meeting new people

There’s plenty of advice out there that tells you to perfect your self-pitch, define a clear target, and grow your number of contacts. Well… who am I to doubt these well-known experts and reputable sources?

But after multiple trials and failures, I realized that this approach doesn’t lead to long-term connections and often leaves me with an empty feeling inside. That’s when I thought: What if I just enjoy the ride? Even if it means going home without a single new contact.

So instead of playing the game of efficiency, I started centring my socializing experience around myself. And no, that doesn’t mean talking only about myself or not caring about others.

Over time, I came up with three questions I ask myself during any event:

1) How do I feel in this space?

• Does the vibe of the event resonate with me?
  

• Am I genuinely curious about the people here?
  

• Is there anyone in the room who attracts my attention and sparks my curiosity?

2) What value can I bring, and do I want to bring it here?

Once I started answering these honestly, everything shifted. Some nights, I left a networking event after five minutes and without guilt, because I just wasn’t feeling it. Other times, I stayed and had one deep, energizing conversation that turned into a real connection.

So it’s not about fitting in, it’s about feeling in and aligning with yourself first. It’s also about being driven by curiosity, about dropping masks and simply being yourself. But that’s a whole other story… let’s save it for another newsletter.

If you resonate with this, here’s one tip: Next time you leave a social event, write down how you felt, who sparked your interest, who left you flat. Track it and watch how your social life shifts.

Want to lean into that kind of connection?

A weekend retreat in Alentejo is designed for this exact purpose. Reflection and exploration process takes time, that’s why there are 2 parts of the experience:

• 2 weeks of shared space before the retreat: we’ll meet twice online over Zoom and stay in touch via chat. We’ll explore how we connect, reflect on our patterns, and support each other in the process.

• group experiences during the weekend designed for noticing your own energy, respecting it, and consciously choosing how you enter a group.

And all this while having fun and making life-time memories:

• stargazing experience

• staying overnight in the glamping place in the middle of Alentejo hills

• yoga & singing bowls session

• hiking

• outdoor dinner under starry skies

When: August 16-17
How much: 139 (early-bird ticket available till July 16th)